When my mother was pregnant with me, she had a dream where my form stretched out in her skin. She could see that I was in pain and troubled, and she held me in her arms and comforted me. Because of this dream, she feared that something was physically wrong with me. She soon realized that the dream did not mean that anything was physically wrong but rather emotionally.
I remember being a little girl and being terrified to go to sleep because I had awful night terrors. I would dream about snakes being all around me, and I was terrified they would touch me. I would wake up and see snakes slithering all around me in the air. I was also convinced that there were evil spirits all around me and would scream for my mom. I was extremely fortunate because my mom seemed to always rescue me.
As I grew up the fear of snakes and evil spirits continued. Even as an adult I had panic attacks about snakes, even rubber snakes and pictures of snakes. In college and then as a married woman, I was afraid to be home alone in the dark at bedtime. I was afraid that evil spirits could somehow get me if I was alone and in the dark. My fears never made sense though because I had never had a traumatic experience with either snakes or evil spirits.
Besides those two fears, I was extremely anxious and always worried that people did not like me or want to be with me. I felt like I was not good enough to be liked or loved. These feelings did not make sense though because my parents loved me so much and were so proud of me. They treated me like I was the best at everything, even though I certainly wasn’t. They had so much faith in my abilities to do anything. Family members, classmates, friends, and teachers were usually very nice to me also. So it just didn’t make sense why I had these feelings.
My mom often asked me if someone had hurt me or sexually abused me because my behavior screamed that something was emotionally wrong with me. But I never had been and said so. I had periods of anxiety over these things and then other times when I felt confident in myself and my abilities.
In 2006, I was having a couple weeks in which I was feeling really down about myself and feeling like I was not good enough. It was then that I got an early Christmas gift from my older brother–a book called Songs of the Morning Stars by Sarah Hinze. My brother and I haven’t really felt very close throughout our lives and he had been praying to find a book that would bring us closer. I was about to put it on the shelf (to collect dust like most of the books that are given to me) when I opened the book up to the center and read one of the stories. I was completely drawn into the book and felt the Spirit of God very strongly as I read it.
The stories struck a very strong cord with me. I started to wonder if I had been an aborted baby. It seemed to me that this book was God’s way of comforting me and helping me understand my many fears and anxieties. I called my mom and told her about the book and asked her if she thought that I had been aborted. She did not know but said that she would pray about it.
My mom is a very strong, spiritual woman. As she pondered and prayed about this specific question, she could see in her mind a friend of hers that was pregnant with me. She saw that this person would get drunk while I was in her womb. While she was intoxicated, evil spirits in the form of snakes would enter her body and swim around me and terrify me. My mom was taught by the Spirit that when people are intoxicated with alcohol and drugs, evil spirits can enter their bodies.
My mom was perplexed by this particular friend having a pregnancy end in abortion. She talked to her friend’s sister who confirmed that she had in fact had an abortion when she was a teenager. She had gotten pregnant with a married man, and he insisted she have an abortion. Very few people knew about the abortion and certainly not my mom or me.
My mom called me and very hesitantly told me what she had learned. She was very worried that it would make me feel sad and rejected. It was the opposite though. It brought me so much healing knowing why I had felt so much rejection and had so many fears. I felt immensely blessed to have been reassigned to my mom and dad, Eileen and Jim Lentz, who loved me unconditionally and wanted me.
I believed everything my mom told me and it felt so right, but I wanted to see for myself what she saw. I prayed to be able to see what she saw. The answer was, “No, you can’t handle the trauma again.” I felt so loved by God’s answer–that He was protecting me and shielding me from feeling more pain from it. Instead God has given me some choice experiences to help me feel His love through all of this and help me know how much encouragement and love I received before getting my second chance at life.
I do not hold any contempt or ill feelings towards the person that had aborted me. In fact when I first found out that it was her, I only felt love for her. I have always loved her and always felt a closeness to her. I forgive her and know that she was in a difficult time in her life. I know that God is a very forgiving God and still loves her too.
It has been over six years since I learned that I had been an aborted one. I have been quite secretive of my own story because of the fear of being rejected by others. Then one day the story of Esther really impressed upon my mind. She did not share her Jewish identity until God deemed it the appropriate time. I knew the Lord wanted me to help save the unborn, but I always felt the Lord restraining me in sharing my story until the time was right. Then on my 34th birthday, I felt that the road had been prepared and felt an overwhelming encouragement from God that it was time for me to share my story with my identity… and not fear. Like Esther needed to be brave to save her people, I knew the Lord needed me (and many others) to be brave to help save my people… the aborted ones.
By Kathleen Lentz Spendlove