Ready to Receive
As a child I always felt uncomfortable in my skin. Like so much of myself was all out of my control and that my being just didn’t sit right in my circumstances, environment and family. I felt like I had been put in a time machine, my memory erased and left to be. I always felt like where I was just didn’t add up and my name wasn’t quite right.
I was terrified of the dark like someone was always coming to kidnap me. I would have horrific nightmares every week that I was being kidnapped and killed. Even now although I’m social, friendly, happy, and married with my own children I still have overwhelming bouts of wondering why anyone would want me. So much so that it can lead me into a depressive state.
I was a c section delivery and taken and put in the special care nursery without being held by my parents for a while following my birth. I believe that this may be the root cause of my feelings of no one wanting me and subconscious purging of kidnap nightmares. When I was still a newborn I was taken back to the hospital and left there for a time for a minor procedure. Perhaps this occurrence as well contributes to those feelings. Logically with grown up knowledge I understand that I was wanted but early trauma can leave lasting and server psychological disfigurement.
I dreamed one night of a little brother that I had to rescue from kidnappers. I ran along a high wall only half a foot wide at the beach with my blanketed baby brother in my arms. He was born thirteen years later after years of my parents being unable to conceive.
Later I became a mother myself. After a very physically and emotionally traumatic post-birth with our last child, with research and prayer, we decided it would be foolhardy to have more children. However I was never completely at peace with this decision and cried so much before and after my husband’s vasectomy surgery. Logically it made sense but on a deeper level it felt just wasn’t the right position to take. In my depressive state, felt to just accept that it was best for me.
In July 2011 I had a false positive pregnancy test. My period had been a few days out of whack over time but when a shadow made it’s way into the positive stripe on the test I was confused but also excited. When my period appeared that afternoon, after believing all morning I was expecting, I was deeply puzzled as to why this would have occurred.
In prayer I asked God what he wanted me to know from this experience. It felt like he purposely hung a questions mark over having more children. I was stunned at first. I brought it up with my husband but he felt it just wasn’t right to pursue after the huge toll birth and postnatal occurrences had taken on me last time. Unsatisfied I prayed to know if this was right to pursue and begged God to show me the way forward if it was.
Slowly there she was. Just in my peripheral vision one night. She came further into my view in this vision and softly told me her name and that she wanted to come and be with us so very much. I could almost reach out and touch her. I can see her little face and body and the pink blanket she appeared in. She emanated her feelings to me rather than speaking them. I was determined not to let my unborn child down. There were many nights of crying, pleading, praying and meditating.
My husband remained confused by my insisting that we have another child. He finally agreed to have his vasectomy reversed. It was honestly one of the happiest days I’ve ever had. To know that we have opened the gate to our unborn child and her brother who had also come into hazy view behind her. I don’t know his name but that he’s there too to come after her.
I am ready to receive her into my womb, to suffer the challenges of pregnancy. She assures me that together we’ll be ok after her birth, that it will be hard but that I won’t have the terrible depression I have in the past. I have never been so excited to conceive a child. I know her well and can feel her unwavering love for me.
It’s a healing, undeniable feeling that I’m wanted despite not feeling at peace all my life. People on earth can tell me they love me, but I struggle to believe them. My unborn daughter radiates peace and love, and I feel it sinks into me, bone deep.
By Anonymous Contributor